It is blowing my mind that I left my full-time job more than four months ago – does time go even faster when you’re NOT working? It’s been really interesting to see how time has changed when I don’t have structure. Days can get away from me. While working there were weeks that felt like months, like there was no way they would end or that I would make it through them. Now I wake up on Fridays and don’t know where the week has gone. When I was working, I never had enough time to get through my to-do list; now I have plenty of time but often don’t know where to start or what to prioritize. 

For a quick recap, I left my full-time job on commencement day, which was a truly beautiful way to conclude 9+ years of connecting and supporting students and colleagues. I took a few days to chill, but then it was right into the next full time job… wedding prep! Late May and the first half of June were about executing all of our grand nuptial plans. And despite the popular narrative that the last few weeks before a wedding are stressful and overwhelming, it was SO FUN. (See pic of me turning our dining room into a painting studio.) Then we got married – tons to say about that but it would take 10+ posts – and headed to New Orleans for our honeymoon. Celebration and overindulging ensued, and our wonderful and romantic trip concluded with me catching COVID (thankfully symptoms only began once we returned home). Beyond the physical symptoms, the real downside was heading into my new jobless life constrained to the couch and feeling terrible. Every hope and fantasy I had of sitting down in late June and having super productive days during which I would discover my life’s purpose turned into long uncomfortable days watching Netflix on the couch. Sounds fun, but it killed my motivation and led to questioning whether I could really “go it on my own” without schedule or structure. 

I rebounded slowly. I had my religious watching of the Today show phase, my extra long workouts followed by walks in the park phase, and my pre-broth stage (pre-broth stage, is an AMAZING stage… sorry, cannot resist a Parks and Rec joke). I was grateful to do some facilitation work virtually in July, and I was also grateful to have left my full-time job when I remembered what it was like to work 40 hours a week on Zoom! Dixon and I headed to writers’ camp in early August, where Dixon is the real writer and because I’m kinda cool and not too disruptive they let me hang around. Then I took the rest of August to be in full vacation mode before an undoubtedly busier fall. I saw the transition from August to September as a natural time to make a personal shift given my almost 35 years of school. 

My grand epiphany about life and changing careers has not come, and I’m realizing one single ah-ha moment likely never will. Instead, here are a few small personal lessons that have come to the surface in my time off so far. 

First, it’s still surprisingly hard for me to write about my previous job and more broadly my experience of the pandemic. That is why I’m writing this post instead of the one I have intended to finish for the last few weeks. (See my six-week radio silence online.) I have been through dozens of drafts, several different formats… none of it is accurately conveying the facts, emotions, and lessons of the last few years. I hope to get it out there at some point, both because I hope it resonates with folks and because it will be a huge step in me processing this strange and difficult time. 

Second, for years I have felt that “clearing the decks” – basically taking away as many tasks, commitments, and meetings as possible – would lead to a newfound sense of contentment and calm. Turns out idleness is not as fun as I had hoped. It’s tough to go from being someone who is always active and has many “irons in the fire” to someone who barely has one project going on and little idea of what to tackle next. Although being deliriously busy had basically become part of my identity, I knew it was not sustainable. Feeling so overwhelmed the last few years made me frame every task, project, etc. as an impediment, a nuisance rather than an opportunity. This led to a consistent desire to withdraw rather than engage, and ultimately led to me feeling disconnected from my sense of self. As I thought about the core of who I am, so much of it was oriented to action… which I find problematic in some ways (we are human beings rather than human doings); I don’t think our value should be singularly connected to our capability for output. But what are our values if they are not actions? If I totally strip away every task and potential source of stress, where will I exercise my strengths? For example, I haven’t been in front of a crowd since our wedding. If I’m not speaking, presenting, acting, performing – things fundamental who who I am – am I less of myself? Still more to process, but I am realizing that I am flourishing when I have something to sink my teeth into that feels manageable and there’s still time for relationships and health. Balance continues to prove elusive.

Third and finally, I have come to understand connections and networking differently. I am floored by and deliriously grateful for folks’ generosity. I had anticipated a lot of judgment, questions, apathy –  general negativity around this choice – but so many folks reached out after my first blog post to offer support, congratulations, guidance, and connection. Networking usually felt fake to me, but now that I am in a more authentic place the connections are genuine opportunities to share stories and support. I’m surprised by the number of folks who have been through similar journeys, each with their own unique constellation of reasons, catalysts, and paths. I’m also encouraged by how many have told me that they didn’t have some master plan when leaving their full-time position. I had always assumed that people had already developed their business plan, had been working on their side hustle while in their full time job, had all of the answers before moving on to the next step. Unsurprisingly, no story I’ve heard is that simple. I knew that cognitively, but it’s connecting with folks that’s made it emotionally real. 

So what’s next? I’m happily back as an assistant instructor (affectionately known as AI) for the masters in applied positive psychology (MAPP, love those acronyms) at the University of Pennsylvania. It’s truly perfect for easing back into work – 10-ish hours a week, the semester structure to which I’ve become accustomed, and truly the most supportive and engaged community. I am also doing some facilitating and training which requires travel, so I’m super excited to get out there and work with some new folks in person! Teaching yoga feels like a big missing piece right now, so my next project to add is getting back to teaching (and maybe figuring out how to use TikTok to get some fun yoga poses out there? Feels scary at 39.4 years… but I’m up for it!) I’ve also been thinking about humor and positive psychology – very early stages, but I’d love to work on something in this space. And I am very excited about an upcoming post about how we integrated positive psych into our wedding, intentionally and unintentionally. Finally, now that the burden of a big post about why I left my job has been pushed to some later date, I’m excited to get back to posting weekly! Thanks for spending time with me – even spending a few minutes to read this means you’re part of my journey. Do not hesitate to say hi and reach out!

What’s inspiring me: Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. The book impacted me so deeply that I actually read it twice. I’ll be posting my reflections about the book soon! If you want a summary and to hear Oliver’s delightful voice, check out “Oliver Burkeman – Time Management for Mortals” on the On Being with Krista Tippett Podcast.