I’ve opened and shut the Google doc where this post lives what feels like a thousand times (or alternatively left the tab in a sea of tabs until its title was unidentifiable). What I have to share is celebratory and exciting, so I was initially surprised by this writing block. But the months of May and June marked periods of transition, and those transitions, however positive, almost always include a sense of loss. And while thresholds and milestones can give us a moment to slow down and reflect, my transition time has been entirely the opposite. It’s been a whirlwind of simultaneously wrapping up some things while starting others. I’ve traveled and connected and worked really hard, and keep sitting down with the intention of reflecting with only the tiniest pockets of time to do so. A sentence here, a good idea there, but never a clear idea of what I really wanted to say.
But I am finding my way back to a favorite phrase yet again: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” These transitions are not complete if they are not shared with the world, and time is marching forward. What lies ahead is my imperfect perspective on two momentous months, the messy recounting of time sweeping me off my feet.
Marvelous May
The month of May was my “40th Birthday Tour,” and while some parts of the tour were canceled due to a stomach virus and a dislodged crown (hilarious and painful tales for another day), I was still able to galavant through the Northeast seeing friends and ticking off a few bucket list items:
- Ran my favorite 10-mile race, the Broad Street Run, with my OG stress sister and best friend, my husband, and my mother-in-law.
- Had a delightful (albeit rainy) post-race open house in front of the walls Dixon and I repainted together, one deep purple (a dream of mine).
- We spent a lovely birthday day (May 2) cooking together, laughing, and enjoying our favorite spots in Philadelphia.
- We shipped up to Boston to hang with what Dixon calls “the dancer friends,” a crew of gregarious dear friends who’ve now been together for almost 20 years. Sadly the whole group wasn’t there, but they were there in spirit!
- We took the Acela and I got to hang out in the fancy cafe car!
- We saw Janet Jackson in concert at Madison Square Garden. She has been an inspiration to me for as long as I can remember, dancing it out and singing about being an independent woman. I would have been bawling had I not been dancing and singing! True life highlight.
- I had dental work done! (Less exciting but very important for the journeys ahead. This is 40 after all.)
- We traveled internationally for the first time since 2018! We made many new memories with my brother and sister-in-law, lounging and laughing and wearing matching shirts as we enjoyed a tropical vacation together.
- I took a CPR and first aid class! (Important for the health of those around me.)
- We wrapped up the journey with a beautiful wedding in Philly and a house party where we successfully used (and didn’t break) every single glass we had been gifted at our wedding, and more.
All that to say that the first lesson of my 40’s is to celebrate… and celebrate some more. Yes these parties and travels were hectic and took work, but there are few feelings like having people you love gathered together, especially in this wonderful, gritty city we call home. Celebrating looks different for different folks, and it doesn’t have to be expensive. One of my favorite celebrations is taking a few camp chairs and a cooler down to FDR Park in South Philly, maybe kicking around a soccer ball or just listening to the mix of people and nature around you. Or the small celebrations of your weekly catch-up with a dear friend, the joy of being authentically together even over video. Small celebrations matter too.
When I was on one of my best friend’s 40th birthday trip (doing quite a bit of celebrating), the folks who had already hit or passed 40 shared their advice for the birthday gal. The overarching theme was no longer caring what anyone thinks. After working on this for a couple of decades I know I can’t turn off my desire to please others, but I have felt the shift of caring less over the last few years. I’ve learned more about myself and like who I have become more and more. Over time I’ve developed an underlying self-assurance in my opinions and philosophy about things. I’m no longer questioning who I am, instead trying to find spaces where I can live fully as myself.
The other aspect of caring less is letting go of things I will never do. Knowing myself better means knowing what I don’t have to put on my bucket list. That said, I’ve had a momentous couple of years, ticking off many life milestones in the culmination of a few long journeys. I can look at relationships and career and travel and accomplishments and feel that I’ve done plenty of worthwhile things. It leads to a sense of freedom. There are jobs I never want, places I don’t want to travel, adventures I don’t want to have. Letting go of things I will never do is liberating.
While there are directions I don’t expect to go, you never know where life will take you. (My 25-year old self would have found this advice particularly trite and unhelpful, but alas.) I’ve found that when things feel mundane, growth is in the in-between. Growth is there hiding out in habits and small moments. The steps you’re taking may feel uncomfortable or you may not be sure that they’re worth it. You may do something for one reason (i.e. professional) and then it turns out to be a source of change for a completely different reason (i.e. personal) For example, when I was submitting my application for MAPP and envisioning its professional impact, I had no idea how the program would fundamentally change my life. This force in my life that was not there five years ago has become central to my universe. When I was running dance auditions for Once Upon a Mattress I had no idea that a soon-to-be dear friend would stroll through the door (and then tap at my request). And I didn’t know that sending bullet-pointed, demanding emails to HOBY facilitators would lead me to the love of my life.
When I am feeling impatient and stuck, I keep reminding myself that change is happening in this very moment. I just can’t see it quite yet. This has given me space to approach aging with a sense of excitement. I can get curious about what the next decade will bring as much as I can savor or lament the past. And yet, our time is limited. The fact that change is constant makes entering a new decade exciting, but it also means that there are fewer corners to turn. While I hope I have a lot of time left, there’s a tension between living with ease and letting life unfold, but also not wanting to waste your time (whatever that means).
Jubilant June... and a Job!
What I did not include in the birthday tour above was a series of job interviews, and ultimately accepting a full-time offer! And it’s more than a job for sure… but I couldn’t resist the alliteration!
As you will likely see on my LinkedIn profile, today marks one month serving as Associate Director of Alumni and Volunteer Engagement at Heights Philadelphia! Our vision is to make Heights the place where Black, Brown, and first-generation scholars find support to reach their full potential. And it’s where we want to see the Philadelphia of the future. Because when all students graduate high school and achieve economic mobility, this community thrives.
I have a lot more to share on my thought process around working full time again, and about with the crucial work of Heights, but each deserves a post unto itself. What will benefit my transition – and I think be more vulnerable and interesting – is to share my in-the-moment reflections on transitioning into full-time work again.
First, it can be exhausting. It is exciting for sure, but my body and my brain had fully acclimated to seeing just a few people a day, to generally being in familiar physical environments, and to choosing how many inputs I would interface with a day. Now I am seeing tons of folks, taking in huge amounts of information, and am executing a lot of tasks. Simply put, I’m not used to it! But like exercise, I just need to get these muscles moving again. I know there is an upward energy spiral here, where exercising my ability to engage with dynamic environments and process things more quickly will benefit all facets of my life.
It’s also normal to not know, or to not know yet. Almost a decade in my last job meant I knew most of the things, many of which were so ingrained that I didn’t have to think about them. Not only is it okay to not know, I also have to be okay with it taking longer to learn. The last time I joined a new organization I was a decade younger, and had only been in previous jobs a few years at a time. There is no shame in following up, in asking questions, in saying “I’m sure you told me this but…” over and over.
Finally, this work can be scary and overwhelming not because I cannot do it, but because it is important and deserves great care. In my one-year break, I started to read low levels of discomfort as signs that something was wrong. But it became clear in my time off that being comfortable and doing important things were not compatible, at least not most of the time. There are still many moments of comfort and of course fun (a high priority of mine), but the discomfort that comes with pushing myself and wading through unfamiliar waters is exactly where growth and impact happen. And I am thrilled to be back where it’s exciting and uncomfortable.
What milestones have you celebrated recently? What transitions are you in, whether they are clearly happening or bubbling under the surface? Where are you experiencing uncomfortable but important growth? As always I’d love to hear from you!
What I’m reading: Fiction for once! I just finished The Collected Regrets of Clover, a poignant reminder to step outside of our comfort zones and to lean into connection, even if we know it inevitably leads to grief.
PS – June also included a number of milestones, unrelated to birthdays and career…
- Grandfather’s 80th, with a wonderful collection of family and friends.
- Return to HOBY PA East, and bringing mindfulness and meaning to the ambassadors and volunteers!
- Dixon and I celebrated our 1-year wedding anniversary <3 (and the cake was surprisingly still good).
- Went to Third Nature Summer Camp… also fodder for a whole post unto itself!
- Had multiple block parties, one with not one but TWO bouncy house waterslides. And this time didn’t hurt my old back! There’s hope for 40 after all!