It’s been two months since I quit my job. The first week and a half felt somewhat like vacation, somewhat like the usual end of semester rhythm where you finally have time to get your life together. Then we went into full-on wedding prep mode, and June was a whirlwind of wedding, honeymoon, and contracting and recovering from COVID. July has rushed by with some projects and speaking engagements, and here I am in the last week of July finally taking a beat to process. Or, start processing – this is going to be a longer project for sure.

I’m not sure that “me” five years ago would have made this choice… but now it feels natural and needed. Five years ago, this change would not have been financially or logistically possible, so I also realize the enormous privilege of stepping away from full-time paid work. A break has called to me for a long time – a creeping sense that my typical pace (busy and emotionally taxing job, on top of grad school or some monumental volunteer commitment) was not sustainable. Add the tumult and pressure of the pandemic, the philosophical revelations that came with it, and the collective resignation movement – the right time finally arrived. (Getting married and having Dixon’s health insurance certainly helped, too.)

There’s a lot more to say about the “why” of stepping away, including revelations that have not yet made their way to the surface. I am holding and working through many feelings: excitement, fear, relief, loss. I’ll be posting a series of reflections about the why, how, etc. of leaving my job, including:

How to know when it’s time for a change
My career (and life) transition motto
On failure… and moving on
What does it mean to not have a “title”?
Paradoxes of becoming a manager
Moving from “shoulds” to “wants”
Work and existentialism

(And now that I’ve put it in writing that all of these posts are happening, I cannot back out!)

What I already miss is the people – that is the hardest part. I couldn’t get through my thank you notes in one sitting, so many emotions! But as I said at my going away shindig, the fact that my colleagues and I got to know one another deeply and share our human journeys is truly a gift. That part being over is tough to swallow.

It’s going to take some time to come down from the constant anxiety of starting each day knowing that there is not enough space or energy to complete what I set out to do. I’m used to being behind, to having things fall through the cracks, to feeling constant tension between where I am and where I want to be. The anxiety around failure was often the only thing that kept me going. I’m excited to again feel motivation fueled by desire rather than fear, but it’s going to take some time.

I’d love to hear from folks who have made a change like this or taken a break, or who are contemplating a move. These transitions are easier and more exciting when we see we’re in it together!

My current inspiration: Quitted Podcast, hosted by Holly Whitaker & Emily McDowell. The hosts explore what it means to end things, and how our culture tells us to go go go without ever teaching us how to step away. While I don’t agree with all of the hosts’ perspectives, their conversation about leaving jobs and expectations is speaking to me. I am particularly struck by how much we discuss failure (or perceived failure) once we’ve bounced back, but never while we’re in the throes of it.