When I stepped away from full time employment without a specific plan, I needed a set of values to help prioritize my time and actions. (Honestly, all plans should start with organizing principles and priority setting, but in my experience we usually skip discussing values and go right to the plan). My decision to leave my job came from a place of needing to get out rather than having a vision for some wonderful future, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just festering in bitterness. So, when creating my “motto,” I attempted to find a healthy balance of digging into what had been missing and frustrating, and imagining what is possible.
Reflection
This was the no-brainer! My lack of space to reflect had been eating at me for years. I facilitated a lot of introspection for other folks, but I wasn’t doing it for myself. I wanted to ask myself questions like “what kind of impact do I want to have?” “under what conditions do I thrive?” “what goals/motivations/habits/etc have I outgrown?” But it takes space, something I didn’t have. Worse, these questions would pop up at inopportune times, eating at me in moments when questioning your life’s purpose is not terribly helpful or welcome (when trying to fall asleep, before talking to incoming students’ parents, whenever a family member asks how work is going, etc.)
Self-awareness is core to well-being. My ultimate goal for reflection is getting reacquainted with my nearly 40-year old self. (Hey self, it’s been awhile!) I know that deep reflection will help me feel more whole and experience a greater congruence between values and actions.
Connection
Lack of connection has been the hardest part of the last few years. The pandemic obviously exacerbated my detachment, but it started years ago when my schedule went to another level of busy. When I feel like I can’t handle the tasks of the day, keeping in touch with friends becomes one more task I will fail at completing. (For a great conversation of this feeling, check out the “Productivity Won’t Save Us” episode of This is Uncomfortable.) Feeling worse about my job made me want to disconnect with work friends, even though they were (and are still!) wonderful. And, as I felt worse about my job and how I was spending my time, there was a massive chunk of my life I didn’t feel like discussing with anyone.
Having to be “on” at work and in volunteer roles also influenced my self-imposed high expectations for interaction. You have to be positive! And entertaining! And supportive! And interesting! And inspiring! This doesn’t come from any of my friends, it is purely internal. But it really raises the stakes, stress, and expectations when it comes to social interaction. Existing without a job for a couple months has already helped these expectations feel more neutral.
Relationships, like self-awareness, are key to well-being. The more authentic and supportive these relationships are, the better. As I connect more from a place of authenticity and vulnerability, I can feel my well-being and energy increasing. I want to make connecting a habit, eventually getting to a place where it’s effortless and natural. This will also help me keep up connections when things eventually do get busier.
Education
For the last couple years, my life has been a lot of doing, not learning. I’d be in all sorts of situations where I was an “expert” on something – facilitation, group dynamics, advising, etc. – but was I? I learned theories years ago and developed skills through experience, but I have not been able to keep up with continued learning. MAPP (masters in applied positive psychology at the University of Pennsylvania) really helped me get back into a learning space, but then I was right back into doing mode all the time.
To facilitate education, I’ve been working on a “life syllabus” of sorts. It covers things I think I should know (or seem to get credit for knowing) but where my learning has stalled (group dynamics, facilitation, workshop development). It includes skills and interests that were long ago abandoned, especially creative pursuits (video editing, graphic design, comedy writing). It includes areas that have been casual interests that I want to turn into deeper expertise (public transportation, urban planning). It’s ever-growing – I’m excited to share more in a future post!
Creation
This is the last word for a reason – it is aspirational, the place I hope to get as this journey unfolds. For that reason it is less developed, an idea of a future where I am adding more to the world than I am taking from it.
I am trying to find the balance of being generative without the pressure to be producing all of the time. I am taking this break to step away from a hyper-focus on productivity, not to just fall into another form of it. Right now I’m focusing on the things that feel natural, relatively easy, and are supportive of the preceding three principles.
So… how’s it going?
Transparently, I might only hit 1-2 of these on a daily basis… or zero if I get into a deep hole of “making of” documentaries on Disney+ or Netflix (these really are my kryptonite… maybe I should add “learn visual effects” to that life syllabus…) But if I can either dig deeply into one of these principles per day, or touch briefly on three or four, I do feel like I’m moving in the right direction, for me, at this time.
What’s missing from these four words is finding a sense of ease. It could be included in reflection, but now that I’m nearly two months in and still struggling to step away from task lists and my previous notions of productivity, I do wish I had included something about rest. Maybe it’s time for a revision! One of the things I am relearning (or unlearning?) is how to quit things that aren’t serving me, especially when they are my own creation.
What are your personal mottos, keywords, or mantras, whether they’re specific to a time of transition or not? I’d love to hear them!
My current inspiration: On Being with Krista Tippett. It helps me get grounded, especially in the moments when I feel particularly lost or unsure. The late poet Mary Oliver’s episode “I got saved by the beauty of the world” is a particular favorite.
